I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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