Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
