god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
