I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
