im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
