So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
