Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
