Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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