Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
