Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
