well I can't set my house on fire every night
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
