It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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