; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
