there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
