if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
