someone get that fucking seahorse.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I fill condoms, not promises.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
