official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
