Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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