JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
