the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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