it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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