Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
