they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
