In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
