this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
