I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
