false alarm. still invincible.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
