I want to make a zoo with you.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
