it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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