I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
