if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
