She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
