Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
