dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
