im six kinds of drunk right now
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize
