I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
