i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
