my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
