i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
