You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We were destined to go to rehab together
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
