I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
