i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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