I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
