I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
