i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
