And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
