He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
