it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
