Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
