My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
