I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
