I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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