Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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